I greatly enjoyed working in a friend’s garden this summer. I know nothing of gardening so I did lots of thinning and weeding – I can at least identify the wanted plants from the weeds!

I was thinning some greens last week thinking “Why do I need to pull these healthy plants?” A very foolish thought I knew right away. Every plant may be fine now as little more than a sprout. For the plant to reach its potential, be what it is designed to be it needs enough space to grow. Crowed conditions lead to problems and lack of productivity.

As I pulled the plants God spoke to my heart. Ideas are the same way. They need room to grow and be developed. Trying to implement too many ideas will lead to problems and lack of productivity. I have been struggling with so many ideas for writing and marketing and networking; not to mention my home and children. It is time to do some thinning. In thinning the plants the pulled ones are wasted- Thankfully not so with ideas. I can save ideas for another time. I can share them with others who have resources to make them grow. Some are simply not that good.

The first area of thinning is my online activity. I believe an online presence is important. I also think it needs to be quality, something worth having. Something worth connecting with. The idea of an online presence is to build community. In my effort to “get out there” I have joined and started too many things. My online presence seems to me quite flaky, not building community like I want. I cannot maintain all the places I currently have online.

My “thinned” online presence looks like this: I am focusing on learning to build relationship and consistency in just a few places. First- my blogs. Kove’s Blog is where I write regularly, sharing encouragement, thoughts and lessons on my journey to be the Christian, wife and mother God destined me to be. I created a schedule of topics so I can track what I need to write and initial if I have a post scheduled. Thoughts for Authors is just beginning, infrequent posts for now. It is focused on new authors and those considering publishing. I will share my experience, advice and things I find helpful. Next- facebook and twitter, mostly facebook for now – very much a learning experience of what to post, Twitter is even more of a mystery to me.

As a result of my “thinning” Kove’s Blog will be moving to KovesBlog.blogspot.com.

This is from my September 2011 newsletter. I posted it here in case you haven't signed up for Encouragement from Kove's Cove yet. Thank you for reading.

I apologize right off, especially if this is your first newsletter from me.

I have been trying really hard to present the image of a credible, professional author. This month is challenge to my expectations. An unexpected trip to help family through surgery, which ended in the loss of a grandfather consumed August. Coming home to the end of summer, beginning of a new adventure in educating my children, I’m a bit overwhelmed. My writing, marketing, professional image have all been severely neglected, a good opportunity to reevaluate, a process I’m also feeling behind on.

I want to at least keep my very newly begun habit of sending out a monthly newsletter. So here it is an honest look into the quite non professional life of this author.

Christian – August contained much praying, but not the reading and study I desire. Watching a loved one suffer and suffering with those who love them most challenged my hope and faith far more than I would care to admit. In all God’s goodness can still be seen and I am driven to know Him better, to be better suited for suffering in the future.

Wife – Serving and loving. Being near, working alongside, being far and loving by serving those he loves, bringing comfort, absorbing another loss.

Mother – Serving, teaching my children the joy in being a blessing, learning to take time out to play. Struggling with schedules, priorities, the ever elusive balance. Wishing I had pursued my ideas on children processing grief.

Author – more ideas than time. God has given me some good insights into myself and His plans for me. Too often I find myself pressured and off focus because I’m looking at others ideas without the lens of Gods plans and instructions to me.

I will be gearing up for the Christmas season of marketing Christmas is About Jesus: An Advent Devotional. If you would like to share a copy with your church or small group please contact me @ mukkove@KovesCove.com.

I think Moses had strong feelings about his people being free, before he left Egypt on murder charges. I believe those feelings were from God, but Moses carried them out in his own power and ended up a refugee for years and years (Exodus 2:11 – 3:1). When God comes to him and says now is the time to free my people Moses is no longer interested. That dream is dead and buried. May I not be so reluctant to ressurect God's dreams.

Exodus 4:1 And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.

Full of excuses. “This won’t work.” ”You have got the wrong person.” “I am not equipped.” “I don’t have what it takes for this job.” “They won’t listen to me.”

So God gives Moses signs to convince the people. Leprousy. Sticks that turn into snakes. Turning the river into blood. Exodus 4:2-9 They will listen after they see this, God assures Moses.

Moses was still not convinced. More excuses.

Exodus 4:10 And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

God was not impressed with Moses’ response. Yet God already knew how Moses would respond so Aaron is already on his way. God is so gracious. Aaron was already being prepared to be Moses assistant. He is preparing people to help me reach my destiny as well.

Exodus 4:11 And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?

12 Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.

13 And he said, O my Lord, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.

14 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.

What really struck me as I reread this familiar passage was God tells Moses it won’t work! God says “Go, do what I have told you. By the way, Pharaoh isn’t going to cooperate.” God declares that as Israel is His firstborn Egypt will have to pay with their firstborn. Before Moses left Midian!

Exodus 4:21 And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

22 And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn:

23 And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.

This is not the way I want my dreams from God to work out –at all. I want to know it will be smooth sailing because it’s His plan after all. I mean I muddle along and get frustrated and think that maybe I heard wrong, got the plan confused. I guess I always thought that if you knew exactly what God’s plan was, I mean God told you to your face- then plans should work out pretty well right? Wrong. Rough waters, opposition, or hard times, does not mean I’m not following God’s instruction. God knew Pharaoh’s heart, He knew what needed to happen in the hearts of His own people and the people of Egypt. Moses couldn’t just walk in and say, “Let’s go! Time to move to the Promised Land.” They were leaving behind 400 years of history, tradition, familiarity. Pharaoh was losing a tremendous asset. The Egyptian people would see a change in their economy and lifestyle. There may be things God needs to accomplish through the trouble I face as well. In my heart as well as the hearts of others. We’ll look at that more in the future.

Early morning. Not ready to start my day. The alarm is about to go off. My head hurts. Rollover to sleep a little more. Now the news is on. I know if I don’t get up now I’ll go back to sleep and ruin my morning, lose my time with Brian. Little did I know I may have ended my life. I stumbled to the bathroom. Reading a devotion first thing has become a habit. December 4 shared verses carrying God’s promise to answer when we cry out to him. Off to the kitchen to get our coffee. The alarm has now gone off. Brian is waiting for me to bring the coffee.

Queasiness, shaky, headache, cold sweat. I sit down. Feeling better I rise again. I’ll get the coffee and go sit in bed. I should feel better soon. No, better sit down again. I wake up on the kitchen floor and make my way onto the seat I had tried for a moment ago. I sit with head in hands wondering, “What could this be?”, “How could I get so sick so fast?” “This is the worst flu ever!” My questions interrupted by the sound of a waking child. The sounds tell me they are not feeling well either. It is far too early for them to be awake. I begin to rise. No, I’d better let them wake their dad. It would not be good for me to pass out again trying to help.

In the bathroom I hear son and husband. My son feels like I do. I make my way into the bathroom and sit on the floor. The eldest comes moaning and stumbling. Crashing into the doorframe. Collapse. Now the youngest, into the bathroom. Collapse. Oh God, what is this! I grab the devotion from the counter and begin reading, wailing, crying out as never before. “We need an answer, God!” “We need you, God!” “What do we do? What is wrong?” “You promised to answer as we cry out!” Now even the dog is collapsed in our midst, all of us in our small bathroom.

Revelation comes. “It’s carbon monoxide! Get out of the house!” Brian has received our answers. Thank you, Lord. I would have comforted my children to death, sitting and consoling while we breathed in our death. Time for action. Grab sleeping bags, the blankets off the bed. Out into the cold, only slightly sheltered, windy, entry. Wrap the blankets around our three precious blessings. Dog collapsed in their midst. He’ll help keep them warm. Into the house to get clothes, open windows, shut off the boiler, read what to do. Back comes the sickness.

We’re cold. We’re sick. Our home is not safe. Off to a friend’s warm fire. He’ll be up getting ready for work. We know we need fresh air. Pure life giving, no more poison. We have no insurance. Going to the emergency room is not happening if we only need fresh air. “I’ll call my mom” our friend suggests. She’ll know what to do. “Call poison control.” her wise advice.

We have headaches and nausea. Feeling much better now.

Go to the hospital. You need treatment.

Back in the van.

Off to the hospital. They will be expecting us. Oxygen masks, blood draws, pregnancy test for me. A baby would suffer most from this poison. Questions. Waiting. More questions. “You need hyperbaric treatment to remove the poison.”

Poison it seems has a very strong hold. Only in a pure and pressurized enviornment can the blood be cleansed. No driving this time. Ambulance ride. Oxygen masks. Another doctor. Climb into a big steel air tank. Cushions on the floor. No crayons, no pens, no watches. No children’s sized masks. We make due. The staff serves us. Going down takes an hour. Children learn to clear their ears. Brian ruptures something in his sinus. Painful to increase the pressure. Waiting. We must stay down for 6 hours. Watching movies we can’t hear. Answering questions. Can we focus? Can we think? Break from the masks. Back on again. Tired. Thankful. Holding on masks. Holding our children. No real idea how close we were to holding them in heaven.

Coming back up goes better. “How did you get here?” “Did you call the fire department?”

“We woke up. We drove.”

That’s not possible. Your oxygen level was so low you shouldn’t have even been able to wake up. This after 2 hours is fresh air. For the first time I realize I almost died. Almost lost my husband, my children. It’s too much to take in.

Friends are waiting. Welcoming. Providing. Loving. Dinner is ready. We will stay as long as we need to. Their hospitality overwhelms me. We eat. We sleep. Another treatment tomorrow.

Why this day, December 4? Normally I am home. This day, missed appointments. I missed taking my children to ring the bell for Salvation Army. I missed an appointment with my Pastor’s wife. Brian and I missed an appointment with an investment counselor.

God saved us. Why? Saved me! Why? How do I live to make it worth His while? How do I make the most of my second chance? Where do we go from here? Deeper into His love. Stronger on His promises. Reflect more often. Live a life of gratitude. I am here for a reason. You are here for a reason. To know, love, and enjoy our Father God and bring Him glory.

Now there are the bills. Lessons in resting in God’s provision. “He kept us alive, He will pay the bill.” He has. He will continue. We trust Him more. We aim to live with more purpose, more faith.

I still need to be saved, cleansed. Saved from my self-centeredness. Cleansed from my sin, my ungodly way of thinking. The salvation and cleansing are mine. Jesus did die. He lives so I may live. He lives so you may live.

May is a hard time for me. Mother’s Day is now bittersweet. When a child loses their parents they are an orphan. When a mother loses her child she is still a mother. I learned I lost Josiah, my fourth child, shortly after Mother’s Day 2003. My body was as much in denial as I was in disbelief. I had to go to the hospital on the 22nd. All last week I kept thinking of an appropriate tribute. “I want to do something for him.” Yesterday, the 22nd, I finally came to the honest realization I wanted to do something for me. There is nothing I can do for him, in that is the sweetness. He has no needs or wants, no pain or struggles. I am the one with needs and wants. I want someone to understand. I want someone to know I am missing Josiah. I want others to know I see the missing part they don’t even know exists, almost every day. My quiver is not quite full, and never will be while bound in this earthen vessel.

I can do nothing for Josiah, but honor him. His name means Jehovah heals. So I will work to rest in and embrace Jehovah’s healing. It is not the way I would have chosen, but God will continue to redeem Josiah’s death for my good and His glory.

The bitter fades and the sweet grows every year.

Josiah is in my cloud of witnesses and I hope to make him proud.

So this is for me.

I love you son.

Somewhere in my thinking was, well still is on occasion, the idea that I need to win when it comes to discipline issues with my children. They must do what I want, when I want or I’m “loosing”.

God does not battle with me when I want to go my own way. He has clearly laid out the benefits of following and the consequences for not. It’s my choice. He tries to win me and my heart, my allegiance by His love, not by forcing me to comply. His will is obviously stronger than mine, He has far greater resources. Still He does not use this to crush me into submission. He woos me with his unfailing mercies, new grace and forgiveness every second of the day. I want to provide the same opportunity to my children. I want them to run to me when they fail, not stand in defiance to prove their strong enough to be their own person.

Motivate and encourage obedience by praise and natural consequences. Isn’t that how God deals with you? Perhaps you don’t know God like that. How do you see God? What is your perspective of what he does with your failures? Is it a Biblical perspective?

What I have come to know is that I must win, but I must win them, not the battle of the moment. I must connect with their heart so they learn people are more important than power or having your own way. By winning their heart I am making greater strides toward the real goal- relationship with me and with the Father.

We read day 12 of our Trail to the Tree devotion this morning by Ann Voskamp. Ann suggested writing down a sin we are dead to, but don't nessecarily act like we're dead to, wrap it in grave clothes (a rag) and bury it. We all liked the idea. Burying it however isn't really an option with nights consistently 20 degrees.

Cermation was in order. After everyone wrote their sin on their paper we ventured out to the boiler and had our cremation ceremony. This was followed by a victory lap around the yard. They ran, I walked. Oh the joy of dying to self, being resurrected in Jesus. Today we remember we are victorious because Jesus gave us His overcoming Spirit to live within us.

Being ruled by emotions going up in smoke. A sweet inscense of surrender to my King. I will use my emotions as signals of needs. No longer run over and helpless. Overcome by grace.

Arguing with Mom dies. Joy rises.

Hitting. Dead. Princess emerges.

Bossiness. Natural for the oldest, responsilbe, pleasing son. Quiet, steady leadership. Super-natural.

Have indeed been overcome and in Him we will overcome.

Ephesians 3:16-19 (New International Version, ©2011)

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

When teaching about a closer relationship with God at a vacation Bible school last summer I did this excercise with the children. I asked them to draw a picture of their heart. This was mine:

I am the plant rooted and growing in God's love. I am stifled and overwhelmed with questions, confusion and concerns.

Next the children asked God how He saw their heart. It was very encouraging. Here is what He showed me:

God is so sweet to not only be the answer for my every need, but also to see me strong and fruitful. Each of the things He told me are verses, even if I didn't get the refrences in the picture. How easily I forgot how good He is.

Why don't you try asking God what He sees in you?

God gave me this picture one day. I was frustrated (as I am realizing has become a habit I must change). My wall, my true thoughts and feelings were lies. Rather than getting rid of or rejecting the lies I took God's beautiful truth and just covered over some of the lies. I wish I could say I no longer have that problem. I can't. I am far more aware of my thinking than I was then. I still have lots of remodleing to do.

This morning in church we sang “cause your face to shine on me” from Aaron’s priestly blessing. As I thought of wanting God’s grace to shine on me I realized how it always does, I just miss it because of my perspective or stuff in my life. I got a picture of a mirror. A mirror is really just a regular piece of glass with a special coating on it. The light has to get to the special coating for the mirror to work properly. The special coating is like our prefect reborn spirit, created to reflect the Father. If a mirror is dirty when the light shines on it not much light reflects, but also the light does not get into the mirror. The dirt is sin and unforgiveness, or wrong thinking that clouds our view of God’s love, our view of God for he is love. What we cannot absorb we cannot reflect and pass on to others. I also thought how the mirror could be misaligned to the light. The focus is not completely on God, therefore the reflection is not getting to the right source either. Realign the mirror by repenting. Cleaning off the dirt may require repenting, forgiving. The best cleaner is God’s Word. Believe what he says, even when it seems the dirt is right back where you just cleaned it from. Washing with God’s Word isn’t a one-time good scrubbing, though that’s good. It is a continual process like standing in a stream or under a waterfall. More on Washing in the Word.